I have nothing to say
I did promise myself that this blog would be different to the myriad of failures I’ve had over the years. One post a week I said. Shouldn’t be too hard. Well apparently I don’t have anything to say. It’s a result of my old habits of self inflicted censorship, and I suspect it might take a while for me to shake loose those shackles holding me back.
It’s not really a case of me having nothing to say, I have loads to say. I’m just so used to hiding behind a false mask of my own that it’s difficult to let out. I will, in time I hope, be able to let everything out. I guess another thing holding me back is my desire to post only meaningful and interesting posts. Like my previous two. But that wasn’t the point behind this blog. Not the original point anyway. It was supposed to be personal, not thoughtful. After all, it is unhealthy to keep everything inside after all.
And what would be the point? I’m no writer. Never have been, not for lack of trying though. Do I want this blog to be popular and make money? Perhaps, but not at the cost of not making it into what I want it to be. Maybe I’ll start telling stories from my past? The sort of thing I have to keep well away from my other blog. Damn all this worrying about what people think of me!
Well, then, starting next Monday, one post a week on whatever the hell is in my head. No holding back, no pulling the punches. And if I get the hang of it I can start boosting that. Two or three a week perhaps. We’ll see.
Confession of a Supposed Abuser
Apparently I’m an abuser of children.
Before we go any further, I’d like to direct you towards this piece of news: Little Kids can be labeled as abusers. Does this mean I’m an abuser? When I was 4 years old, I committed the heinous act of slapping a female member of my class. Was I abusing her?
This is just another example of parents being way too protective of their children. If children can be labeled as abusers before they’re old enough to know what sex is then this sets a dangerous precedence for our futures. Its a sad day when children can no longer play in the garden like their parents used to.
What makes it even worse is that it’s only the boys in a class that get told off for this sort of thing. In my old school (which I no longer attend thankfully) a new doctrine has been brought in to protect the girls from the dangers of sexual harassment. Basically, all the guys were told to watch their wandering eyes. Girls, however, were given free reign to report any boy they wanted for any reason. If a girl didn’t like a guy, all she had to do was give his name to a teacher and lo and behold…instant suspension pending an investigation. The headmaster’s even taken it overboard to such an extent that he’s cracking down on legitimate couples. Suprise, asshole, but at that age (16-19) it’s all about mixing with the opposite sex. You can’t stop nature!
Virtual Warfare
On April 16th, 2007, Seung-Hui Cho massacred 32 people in Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University. He then killed himself.
Jack Thompson, a US lawyer with a vendetta against Take Two Interactive, immediately proclaimed Cho had trained for committing the massacre in the game Counter-Strike. It seemed the answer was found. How could someone have committed such a heinous act? He had trainedon Counter Strike, lowering his inhibitions towards killing. Thompson was a genius. Just one problem.
Bleeding Hearts Always Run Dry.
Being human is such a chore. It’s hard work, and I’m not entirely sure I’m up to it.
As I am right now, I quite simply give too much of myself away. I’m what my acquaintances call a “bleeding heart”. Basically, the happiness, comfort and wellbeing of everyone around me comes before my own. That’s not how it always used to be. I used to have this little shell of my own. I didn’t let myself get too close to anyone, and I didn’t let anyone too close to me. I thought I was safe.
I was.
But now I’m trying so hard to be liked, to be seen as a nice person that it’s leaving me open to disappointment. I know inside that all this people are fickle. I’ve worked so hard on being liked by everyone, that I’ve sort of faded into the background. Or at least it feels that way. I dunno. I’m just sure that if I were to just disappear, I’d be forgotten very, very quickly.
I remember one time, I gave away an entire meal to the three friends with me in the cafeteria, simply because they asked. I lied and said I wasn’t hungry. That meal had cost me €15. I didn’t eat at all that day…Or the day after. These people abuse my kindness, my inability to assert myself or say no.
They’re bleeding me dry.
Fuck them all.
And so we walk.
You know that cliche? The one that says every journey starts with a single step. Well, consider this that single step. Why am I doing this? I honestly can’t say. I’ve had lots of diaries, blogs and other assorted methods of getting my thoughts out. But none have ever stuck. One paid account, two blogger accounts and a wordpress.com account later I’m here. Am I going to stick this one out? Maybe, maybe not. But I won’t make the same stupid mistake I did with all the others. I won’t be telling my famiy and friends about this place.
Why? Because everyone has secrets from everybody. But if you don’t know who I am then those secrets probably can’t come back to haunt me. And so we come here. I have an outlet. I’m not saying you’re going to care about or even like what I write, but that’s never stopped me before. This is a journey for me I’ve restarted too many times…
And so we walk.
